Just like Robert Smith

The pain is back, now where is my muse?

I read an interview with Robert Smith of The Cure. He said he wasn't always depressed, but that was when he wrote. I sometimes find myself reaching and finding inspiration and perhaps the deepest of revelations from the point of pain. As I have heard it said this is the place where the Anava Mala forms like a thin veil over the the heart making us feel unworthy and therefore sad, but in that moment if we reach in to the heart, we have the opportunity to clear the clouds over the light of the divine. The divine which, as Baba Muktananda used to say, dwells within us as us.

I pressed my Hanuman heart out in defiance of the harm being done. I would do what it takes to make things right. I would reach into the practice, dedicate my efforts to the healing that is needed as the earth and her creatures groan with the strain of misplaced priorities. I would jump over that ocean that holds the earth's creatures in captivity of human selfishness. There can never be a bottom line. This can never be in the best interest of anyone.

I brake off my tusk and record the stories line by line to make the offering. I am stumbling in the pain of my own offering, but I am determined that this must do something to make it all worth it and then some.

My heart aches with my greatest fear of my own insignificance and incompetence. With all the gold strewn about my feet will I flounder in the indulgence of appetites that gore the lives of the helpless? I stagger at the thought of this and shudder as I examine the evidence of my misplaced intentions and wasted energies.

I have to use this, but how? I will ask her, them, seek the light of the devata, of those who can help, of those who would help. What is the best that we can become given all of our freedom? And how can I best make a difference that matters?

Sometimes I think I get a clue, but right now I have to be truly open to not knowing.

I pour away my righteous indignation. I pour away my sense of what should have been. I melt the frozen walls that protect my heart from suffering in the world of creatures. I bless the wild darkness that the Maha has created. I offer thanks for the opportunity to be mortal and taste the light of divine awareness refracted into multifaceted vantage points. I stretch my capacity to love around the vastness that has been offered even through the extenuating experiences of love and loss and missed opportunities to protect and serve the beautiful lifeforms manifest in this sri world.